It started as a joke. Until it wasn’t.

I first learned about “Birds Aren’t Real” through the Instagram story of the Bulldog Times previous editor-in-chief. 

When Mikayla Richardson (‘21) first posted a photo of her attending a rally in support of the movement, I was immediately fascinated. I remember walking into class the next day and that was the only thing I could talk about. I wanted to find out everything there was to know about this theory, and how it came to be. 

As a devoted fan to the movement, it was absolutely necessary for me to cover this story. 

Birds have been around since the dawn of time, so why is it now that people have suddenly become interested in the idea of the fake bird ideology? 

Let’s just take a minute to look back at our history books. For almost 5,000 years these “pigeons” were used to carry messages back and forth from one location to another. Then they became the unsung heroes during the disastrous WWI and WWII. 

But has anyone ever taken the time to think about how these species that have a brain size no bigger than the tip of an index finger were able to do so? According to the Pigeon Control Resource Centre, pigeons are able to remember an individual based on their facial features, even if they are not wearing the same pieces of clothing. They are able to distinctly differentiate features of paintings, recognize all letters of the alphabet, and are even able to pass the “mirror test,” in which only six other species are able to successfully complete.

Does this not seem a bit suspicious? How can these birds with one of the smallest brain sizes be able to comprehend the difference in paintings between Monet and Picasso, when most of the United States fails to do so? 

However, the following of this theory really did not begin to gain followers until the 1950s. During this time period, President Eisenhower was looking to find a way to receive surveillance video from the sky in an attempt to identify the ongoing Soviet espionage in America. When Allen Dulles first became part of this mission as director of the CIA in 1953, he made it his goal to use birds that would complete the request of the President, as well as fulfill his own goals of eliminating the animals that cause the constant droppings of fecal matter that were ruining the cars of society.  

When Dulles was provided 65 million dollars to exterminate the bird population, he worked with Boeing Airplane Company to order bombers that would be used release a toxic gas that would only kill the birds. With only 23 men that were part of this plan, from 1959 to 1967, 15 percent of the bird population would be wiped out, which would come to be known as the “Water the Country” operation. 

When John F. Kennedy was let in on this secret, he immediately disapproved. This was on October 25, 1963. On November 22nd, he was dead. Does this have any proven correlation? 

Was Lee Harvey Oswald a patriot of the “Birds Aren’t Real” movement? That is a question we will never know. 

However, every other president has been compliant with the movement, and no other assassinations have occurred. A coincidence, I think not. 

In 1964, an American Destroyer was attacked by a North Vietnamese Torpedo on the Gulf of Tonkin. This was a planned attack that forced troops to stay in Vietnam. This is where the robot birds were constructed. 

But why does no one testify against this? How can we be sure this is true? The explanation is plain and simple. The government sent out people who would go to local bars looking for workers who could assemble robot birds. When they found these individuals, the government would tell them “they were having a costume party on acid” as explained by Peter McIndoe, leader of the “Birds Aren’t Real” movement. While the tab of acid was really just a piece of colored paper, the workers were given overalls on the bus ride to the factory where they would construct these machines. When these civilians returned, they were too drunk to remember what had happened as it just remained a foggy memory. 

Over the period of 10 years, only 26 percent of the bird population had been re-released as drones, while the remaining living birds were continually being exterminated. The genocide of birds ended in 2001, with the remaining population being sent out as robots. 

This movement has continually spread throughout America over the years and will continue to do so until the end of time. 

So what does that mean for society today? 

Watch your back, you may be surrounded by drones at this current moment. You hear that bird outside, it knows you are reading my article. 

How do I know this? The first day I wore my infamous “The birds work for the bourgeoisie” shirt, a bird pooped on me. I was sitting under the same tree I had sat under for the past five months and no bird threatened to poop on me until that very day I announced that I was part of the “Birds Aren’t Real” movement. 

You may be wondering, if the birds aren’t real, then why did they still defecate on you? Here is the shortened answer, their poop is a liquidated tracking system. I was being tracked by the government. That’s right. That bird poop on your car, means you, my friend, are definitely being followed. 

Now, am I saying that all birds are fake, and are used as a robotic mechanism to survey the United States of America? No, I am not. I am, however, saying that there are birds out there that do work for the government. I love birds just as much as the next person, but remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.